Picture this: planets trading gravitational pulls for PowerPoint presentations and moons for middle management. It’s the interstellar version of

The Office

, minus the coffee breaks and petty drama.

Mercury: The Over-Caffeinated Messenger

Mercury is the office’s hyperactive intern who delivers messages faster than light itself. Always running around, juggling tasks, and speaking at three times the normal speed. Probably sends emails at 3 a.m. with way too many exclamation marks and makes every mundane update sound like breaking news.

Venus: The HR Guru

Venus handles all things love and harmony at work, which means team-building activities and birthday cupcakes that taste suspiciously like self-love. Known for writing motivational emails with way too many heart emojis and reminding everyone to practice “radical empathy.” The only person in the building who can host a mandatory meeting and still get applause.

Earth: The Stressed-Out Project Manager

Earth’s holding the team together with duct tape and recycled enthusiasm. Balances work, life, and saving the environment while pretending the office isn’t literally on fire. Takes care of everyone else’s problems and somehow still finds time to water the dying office plant. Needs a vacation and possibly a hero’s medal.

Mars: The Drill Sergeant Boss

Mars doesn’t do subtle. He’s the one yelling in the break room about deadlines while waving a motivational poster. Intensity level: action hero who just discovered his favorite coffee machine is broken. The kind of boss who thinks team spirit involves push-ups and motivational screaming.

Jupiter: The Big-Deal CEO

Jupiter strides in with big ideas and even bigger energy, making everyone feel like they’re one step away from greatness. Loves giving speeches about expansion and dominance while dropping quotes from

The Wolf of Wall Street

. Has an office the size of a small country and insists on handshake deals that could end world hunger.

Saturn: The Stern CFO

Saturn is the one reminding everyone that budgets exist for a reason. Cold, logical, and allergic to impulse purchases. Uses spreadsheets as weapons and finds joy in audits. Absolutely convinced that tightening belts is an art form.

Neptune: The Dreamy Creative Director

Neptune is constantly late to meetings but shows up with ideas that are somehow both genius and completely impractical. Talks about vision boards and manifesting success while doodling galaxies on presentation slides. No one’s quite sure what he does, but the vibe is oddly inspiring.
Corporate planets: proving that even celestial bodies would struggle with budget cuts and passive-aggressive emails.